Finding "the one"

Three times I thought I had found "the one."

I was engaged to my college sweetheart when I realized that his temper was too unpredictable.  After much thought and prayer I went to his apartment and broke our engagement.  I asked him to take the ring of my finger.  I hadn't taken it off since he had put it on my finger months earlier.  He refused.  I placed the ring on his coffee table and left.

As I neared 30 I was scared that I would never find "the one."  I was a great girl with a great job, a great family, good friends, a masters degree and a home that I owned.  Everything in my life was in place, but "the one."  I started to panic. This was not how my life was supposed to be and I took matters into my own hands.

I speed dated.  I went to bars.  I joined online dating sites.  I met an amazing man through a Christian online dating site.  He was handsome, successful, a hard worker, loved his family, loved his God, and treated me better than I have ever been treated by anyone before.  We dated long distance for a few months and married eight months after we met.

Seven months into our marriage I found out that he lied to me about his degrees, his business and even his religion.  I found out that he served time for armed robbery and, at that time, was being investigated for corporate embezzlement, which he later was imprisoned for.  The only thing that I found to be true about him was his name.

I removed myself from the situation immediately and we were officially divorced seven months later.

At 30 few people are divorced.  I had one friend from college who I knew was also divorced.  I reached out to him because I needed to talk with someone who understood where I was in life.  We had kept in touch, although not regularly.  We hadn't seen each other in 10 years and decided to get together for lunch.  Lunch lasted four hours and, although we lived in different cities, we began to spend time together when we could.

He represented everything my ex-husband didn't.  This was a man I had known for almost 15 years.  We knew each other "back when."  There were no secrets.  We had many shared experiences and our backgrounds were very much alike.  He was a wonderful friend to me.

We fell in love and dated, albeit long distance.  After a year of weekends on the road I told him that something was going to have to change.  Either we going to have to quit seeing each other or we needed to get married.  I loved him and loved spending time with him, but all the time on the road was too much for me.

We decided to get married.  It was wonderful to be together, but the reality and severity of his OCD and depression and the impact those things had on our life was completely unexpected.  I asked him to seek counseling less than a month after we were married.  It wasn't until eight months into our marriage that he did start counseling.  I went along to support him.

A couple months later I found out I was pregnant.  We were thrilled.  It made a difference for a short while.  We made plans and moved forward a little bit, but the progress didn't last long.

The counselor he was seeing at the time refused to see him any more because it was clear that he was not willing to do the work necessary to manage his OCD.

Our son was born and he got more depressed and he was not managing his OCD at all.  Once again we sought counseling but, again, after some time the counselor told him that there was no use for us to continue if he wasn't willing to do the work necessary to make counseling successful.

I loved him, but he was unwilling to get help.  I could not raise my son in the environment that our family was in.  My son was four months old when we moved out and nine months old when our divorce became final.

I was 34.  I had one broken engagement and two divorces under my belt.  I was the single mom to a 9 month old.  I was dealing with my own brokenness, embarrassment, and shame.  I had little to no self-worth.

Through much prayer and work on my part I finally realized and accepted that God is as much a part of me as the blood that pumps through my body.  Not only is God all around me, God resides within me.  I realized that I cannot love God without loving myself.  The journey of learning to love myself was not fun or easy and is not yet complete, but the journey has been and continues to be life changing.

Three times I thought I had found "the one" in other people.  Three times I was wrong, but through Him I have finally found "The One" in me.

*This post was written in response to a prompt at Faith Barista:  Finding "The One."  I realize that my story is unique and has probably left you with a lot of questions.  My prayer is that my experience can help others and I am happy to share any part of my journey, so please don't hesitate to ask.

Wake Up Call

The clock said 4:59 and the alarm was set to go off in one minute.  I had already started to rouse, but I heard a noise that sounded like my son opening his bedroom door.

I jumped out of bed and quickly turned off my alarm.  I knew if my alarm was going off and my son heard it that I would never get him to go back to sleep.

I tip-toed into the hallway to see if he was, in fact, up.  I found his door shut.

For just a moment I wondered what the noise I had heard was, but knew in my heart it was a nudge from God.  "Get up, Jenni.  Your son won't be up for at least another hour.  Use this time.  It is a gift."

I went directly to my computer and started writing.  A very personal story.  A story that I hadn't put on paper until this morning.  A story that I will soon share.

God knew I had this experience ahead of me, but only if I chose to seize the opportunity.

God speaks to us in a multitude of ways through a variety of experiences.  This is how God spoke directly to me today.  How has God spoken to you today?

The Tractor Arrived at the Perfect Time

My son’s nails were much too long and I have a scratch on my face to prove it – my own special Mother’s Day gift. For three days now we have been struggling with one another about cutting his nails. He was having none of it and I am not fond of wielding a sharp object around a flailing toddler.

This morning I knew I couldn’t drop him off at school again with nails as sharp as razor blades. It is one thing for him to scratch me. It is another thing completely for him to scratch a teacher or another child. Please know, he doesn’t scratch on purpose. His nails were just that long.

I tried to cut his nails at home. No luck. I tried once I got him in the stroller, but before we left for school. No luck. I was going to try again before we crossed the street, but the light was in our favor and we didn’t have to stop this morning.

We arrived on campus and I knew we needed to stop before we got too close to the ELC (Early Learning Center), but far enough that he had settled into the ride. Once we arrived on the final stretch of sidewalk, I knew it was time.

I put the brake on the stroller, pulled out the clippers and told my son, “It is time to cut your nails.” He shook his head no and squeezed his fists tight. I tried to pry a finger out of his grip, but with no luck. Then I noticed that something caught his eye.

I looked and saw the large riding mower cutting the grass on the field right across the street from where the stroller was parked. I asked my son, “Do you want to watch the tractor?” He nodded his head yes. I told him, “If you want to watch the tractor, I have to cut your nails.” Without taking his eyes off the tractor he gave me his hand.

I cut the nails on one hand and then cut the nails on his other hand. He didn’t take his eyes off the tractor.

Just as I was cutting his last nail the tractor drove down the field out of sight. My son said good-bye to the tractor and we headed off to the ELC.

As a single mom I don’t always have other people in my life to directly help me with my son, but I always am thankful for God’s presence in moments such as this one this morning. God put that tractor in the perfect time and place to help me when I needed it.

Thank you, Lord, for tractors and for always assisting me in unique ways.

From Gripe Session to God Sessions

Last night as I went to bed I had the following prayer/question for God on my heart.

Lord, what do you do when you feel like you really need to talk to someone, but you are afraid your conversation will turn into a gripe session?

I constantly go to God in prayer.  I keep a prayer journal and I write a lot, but there are times when I just need to talk.  I am a talker.  Talking through things is how I process them.  When something really big happens I always feel better when I am able to verbally process the situation with someone else.

I want to process things through conversation.  I don't want my conversation to become negative.  I don't want to talk about people.  I don't want to lay blame.  I don't want to contribute to gossip.

Before I even finished writing the question in my prayer journal, God made the answer clear:

You focus on you - not on other people.  You talk about what you are feeling - not what other people are doing to make you feel that way.  You talk about what you can do to help the situation.  You spend time looking for the silver lining.  You look for the ways that I am working through the situation.

Thank you, Lord, for your answer.  Help me to always have productive conversations and keep You as the center of all my conversations.

The Armor of God

This morning I am focusing on Ephesians 6:10-20.

¹⁰ Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. ¹¹ Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. ¹² For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. ¹³ Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. ¹⁴Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, ¹⁵ and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. ¹⁶ In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. ¹⁷ Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

¹⁸ And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people. ¹⁹ Pray also for me, that whenever I speak, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel, ²⁰ for which I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should.

People will try to hurt me, but wearing the full armor of God I will be protected.  


The first line of the prayer at the end of the Proverbs 31 devotion today says it best:  Dear Lord, I pray that I will recognize Your voice above all others.

A Test of Faith

Today has been a hard day.  It has been hard in so many ways that I can't express here.  Today is a day my faith has been tested.

Usually I am a very positive person.  I can always find the silver lining in a situation.

Usually I can get knocked down and I get right back up.  I always look to the future, remembering that this is just one moment and that God's plans are for me than I could ever imagine.

Usually I am steady and stable.  I am the one people come to in times of need.

Today I have been rocked in ways that I never expected and I am not sure what the final outcome of it all will be.

What I really want to do is collapse into someone's arms, cry, and tell them all about it, but I don't have anyone to turn to.

What I really want to do is make snide comments about situations that have occurred, but I know I am better than that.  Being ugly doesn't help the situation but only tears me away from God.

Tonight I am working on holding back the tears and hanging on tight to the following quote from Ruthless Trust by Brennan Manning:

The way of trust is a movement into obscurity, into the undefined, into ambiguity, not into some predetermined, clearly delineated plan for the future. The next step discloses itself only out of a discernment of God acting in the desert of the present moment. The reality of naked trust is the life of a pilgrim who leaves what is nailed down, obvious, and secure, and walks into the unknown without any rational explanation to justify the decision or guarantee the future.

I am also holding on to the following two blog posts:  The Scenic Route, I wasn't going to blog today, and Get of the Boat, Big.  Both has helped me a ton today.  Thank you, ladies!

There is no doubt that God is in all of this.  I know that tomorrow will be better - things always look better in the morning.  Now it is time to focus on the blessings in my life and hold fast to my faith - He has a plan.

Missing You

Yesterday when I got home from work my little boy was at my mom's house and came home just in time to go directly into the bed.

Today when I got home from work my little boy's dad was at the house to play.  His dad went home tonight right before it was time for him to go to bed.

I know it may seem ridiculous, but I am used to spending every evening with my son and I am missing him.  We have great one-on-one time each evening and my evenings aren't the same without that.

It occurred to me that God must feel the same when I am not spending time with him on a regular basis.  I imagine him sitting around during my usual prayer time waiting and wondering when I am going to arrive and being disappointed when I don't.

God, thank You for always making time for me regardless if I am making time for you.  Help me to remember that You are always there waiting and are disappointed when I don't make our one-on-one time a priority.  I know that our relationship cannot continue to develop without one-on-one time.  Thank you for the gift of the opportunity of daily time with You.

Rest

"Come to Me, all you who weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."  Matthew 11:28

I need to rest in order to be renewed and rejuvenated so that I can live the life that God wants me to live. 

This verse is one that I go to often, especially after a long week.  Now was my week any longer than anyone else's?  Of course not.  Did I have to deal with issues greater than some? Sure, but I am sure the things I had to deal with paled in comparison to what others had to deal with this week.

I have to live my own life.  No one else can live my life for me.  My blessings and challenges are not meant to be compared to others. 

Because someone is dealing with something much more difficult than what I am dealing with, does not make what I am dealing with inconsequential.  In the same regard, just because someone seems to have the "perfect life" doesn't mean their life is actually perfect.

How wonderful it is to know that I can go to Him at any time and He knows exactly where I am coming from.  It is in Him that I can truly rest in a way unlike any other and that rest is essential to being able to live the life that He put me on this earth to live.

What was Lost, Now is Found

I make sure each of my sons socks has a match before I put them in the washer.  This allows me the certainty that I will have matches at the other end of the laundry cycle.

Around the start of the year I was doing the pre-load sock matching and came across a sock that I couldn't find a match for.  I hunted a good bit for the sock, but to no avail. 

I placed the un-matched dirty sock on the shelf by the washer.  I didn't want to wash the one sock, but I wanted to have it waiting by the washer when I found its match.

Each time I have gone to do the laundry I have seen that one sock and wondered where the match could be.  At times I have thought about just getting rid of sock.  It is just a sock and it isn't like this is his only pair, but  I just haven't been able to do it because I felt sure that I would find the match at some point. 

I found the sock tonight in a completely unexpected place.  The sock now has its mate and I got a great lesson in having faith.

Always There

Thankfully I don't have, what I would consider, major sleep issues.  I can easily go to sleep at night and usually feel refreshed in the morning.  My biggest problem is that I relatively regularly wake up in the middle of the night and have a hard time going back to sleep.

It is during the middle of the night that my biggest concerns and fears rear their ugly heads.  It is in the middle of the night that I wonder how I am going to deal with all the issues--both big and small--that are going on in my life.  It is during the middle of the night that things seem insurmountable.

The wonderful thing about God is that He is always there.  He is there first thing in the morning.  He is there late at night.  He is there in the middle of the night.  He is the one person you can really always call without worrying about interfering with anything else He has going on.

When I do wake up in the middle of the night I do my best to continue to turn all my worries and concerns over to God and pray for Him to help me go back to sleep. 

Eventually I do go back to sleep and when I wake up in the morning I have a much better perspective on everything.  I thank God for that, because I know that my new-found perspective is due to Him. 

God is always at work in my life, even in the middle of the night.

The Importance of Conscious Living

At the end of a weekend away I began packing the car in preparation for the trip home.  I took one load outside and realized that I the trunk had not opened even though I had pressed the trunk release button from inside the house. 

I left the load by the car and went back in to retrieve my keys.  While I was there I picked up another load and headed back to the car.

I put the second load by the trunk and pressed the trunk release button.  I loaded both the first and second load into the trunk and went to shut the trunk.  Something stopped me.  I made the deliberate decision to make sure I had my keys in my hand before I closed the trunk.

The keys weren't in my hand.  The keys weren't in my pocket.  I checked the ground around the car--no keys.  Again, I started to close the trunk, but something stopped me.

I left the trunk open and headed back into the house to see if I had left the keys there.  About halfway to the house, I turned around and headed back to the car.  I looked in the trunk.  Still no keys.  I couldn't imagine where they could be, but I knew I needed those keys in my hand before I closed that trunk.

At the top of one of the bags that had been loaded in the trunk laid my keys.  I picked up the keys and all I could say was thank you time and time again.  I didn't want to even think about what the chain of events would have been had I closed that trunk before I had those keys in my hand.

It wasn't something that stopped me; it was Someone.  God was reminding me to always be in the moment and to live consciously. 

God, it is easy to be preoccupied and be thinking of other things--in the past, in the future, people and places far away in time or distance.  Thank you for reminding me to consciously live in the moment.